All of the Lights...

What if

We are just balls of light

Waiting to glow

Without the sanction of filters?

What if we are lightening bolts,

Looking for a place to set ablaze?

What if we are lamps

Waiting to cast out shadows?

What if we are fireworks?

What if we are flickering flames?

And we had the courage to shine our flickering lights,

A little more brightly each day?  

Sands of Time...

I was head over heels in love with my first boyfriend in college. 9 years my senior, he knew everything, I thought. He had it all figured out, and I felt safe talking to him because he knew all the answers to all of my questions. And at 17, I had a lot of questions. He was outdoorsy, so I pretended to be. The mountains, hills, beaches, if he said go, we went. We loved to walk along the beach. Somehow, the beach is not totally romantic—something about the seaweed rushing up to the shore, feeling like chains from slaveships capturing me, or the sandcrabs that reveal themselves when you dig your feet in too far, or the vagrants…. But the beach is poignant. And we walked on the shore, but forever kept evading us.

He was from Northern California, and so he loved their hippy, grungy music. I preferred smooth R&B and bass heavy hip hop, but I kept that in my I-pod and pretended a more sophisticated taste, a mix of Buble, Drum and Bass, jazz and classic rock. He was impressed. He loved a band called Floater, and one day he emailed me the lyrics to one of their songs.

Trust no one, and you can never rest. Trust anyone and they’ll strike while your sleeping. And just like the sun will keep seeking the west, everything you love, will always be leaving. 

Romantic, I know. When we finally got together, I interrogated him on one of our beach walks. Will you leave me one day?  No,  of course not. Don’t lie to me. I can’t predict the future. I just know I love you now. Fuck you. You’re going to leave one day.

 Well like all of the best lovers, he left, eventually. Something about hating LA, being held back, wanting wide open spaces… something about love not being enough, something about not taking it personally, something… 

If I wasn’t obsessed with being “abandoned” already, that sealed it. And it seemed my lot in life to love people that love leaving.  There was my father, who I've spent more years apart from than with, my favorite cousin, who moved around the city wherever her drug dealing husband decided to go, and I could go on and on. But thats family. Seems like the people I voluntarily let into my life love leaving as well. 

 Then there’s Elizabeth, who, after 20 years of going no where but Crenshaw, Claremont and Ashville, North Carolina decided that it was her lot in life to go from Capetown to Cairo and everywhere in between. There’s Brandon, who spends his life being bicoastal,  and crosses the country like he has wings himself. And then there’s L’aurence, who lives here, there and everywhere. You look up to find him, and he might be gone.

And then there’s all the people who I might like to meet.  Potential friends, kindred spirits, who, once you get close to them reveal that they are given to a life of travel… Its hard not to internalize this constant coming and going…  Will everything I love always be leaving? Will there be things and people that feel that I’m worth staying around for? Or am I destined to walk along the sandy shores of existence waiting for a sense of stability that constantly evades me... 

No one woman should have all this power....

There is a concept in history called transfer of power. Its when power goes from one person (say George Bush) to another (Barack Obama). Leadership leaves one source and goes to a new one, like a baton in a relay race. The United States is notable for having bloodless transfers of power. When we have new presidents, governors, and mayors, we do so without war or conflict. They just transfer the power. But how easy is it to transfer power in our own lives? How easy is it to take a sense of leadership and direction in one area of your life and transfer the relevant skills into another area?

For me, school is one place where I have power. It was very easy for me to go to college and to graduate school. I did really well there, and showed a lot of skill and talent. It wasn’t scary or overwhelming to me. However, traveling is scary and overwhelming to me. Like rising up the ranks in academia, it is a new step into the unknown. Like school, traveling is a place where skills and comfort can be developed through knowledge, and that knowledge is accessible to me. However, these two goals seemed miles apart in my ability to do them.

Eventually I decided to have a transfer of power. I decided that, if I could do well in my educational career, why couldn’t I do well in my travel career? I decided that I can transfer power, and use the skills and strength I developed going through school in my travel experiences? What are places where you need to transfer power? Can you face your fear of a new job but not face your fear of a new partner? Can you move to a new place but not revisit an old experience? Can you work hard on your job all day but not feel the strength and capability to go back to school? Can you fight your whole life for your survival, but not for your dreams? Take the power back by looking at where you were successful in one area, and trust in your ability to do it again in another. 

Service Learning?

My students have completed several "service learning" projects. This term is obviously loaded and political. I wont get into my feelings about it. However, I will say that children's insights about the world are more priceless than the money that their cute faces can raise. They will speak with compassion about dying animals in backyards or people a world a way. Interestingly enough, they never mention homeless people they might see as they walk down the street. Then again, there are not too many homeless people in Playa Vista. And many of us are  trained to ignore "those people" anyway. However, I do love their curiosity and concern, and how you do not need to trick, beguille or beg them into action. Its easy and its organic. Makes me think how me miss valuable opportunities to embed service in daily living, as children are so adaptable to the concept of helping others, even as they are selfcentered in their developmental stage according to Piaget. 


Why am I writing on this? I don't know. I feel like some of the activism that was such a part of my college life is such an after thought now. And maybe if I knew how to better integrate service into my daily life, and maybe if my students did also, it wouldn't be an afterthought. 


If you're interested in being proactive, check out http://www.tapproject.org/volunteer/
help kids without water. 
thats all I have to say.

Where Yo Boss At? (who's running you?)

I’ve often heard that we are the sum total of our habits. What we do eventually defines who we are. So does what we do not do. So, for example, if you work out everyday, you will probably become a fit person. If you do not work out at all, you will probably be out of shape. Simple enough, right? However, in my daily life, I feel that I often overlook this maxim of truth. I don’t really have many life enhancing habits.

Here’s what I mean. I don’t exersize. (can’t even spell the word) I don’t have a regular, set aside time to pray, meditate, write or reflect. I do these things, but almost as an afterthought. Whenever I think of them, I do them. I don’t participate in regular service to others. One could count teaching as “service”, but, for me, my service would require meeting more direct needs or providing greater uplift of the human spirit.

So what am I really about? Not being a creature of habit, am I floating through this experience, hoping great things will come out of subpar effort? Who’s really running this show? My laziness?

What do you think about this? What habits do you have that help you serve God, grow in touch with yourself, and share your gifts with others? What habits do you need to develop? 

All I really want...

I prefer the convoluted to the prosaic. (what an obnoxious sentence) However, some days, the simple sweet eloquence of Mary J. is the best poetry. And she is too real when she says "All I really want, is to be happy, to find a love thats mine, it would be so sweet." Before I go any further, let me say this, I am not unhappy. However, lately I 've been wondering, what will make me deeply happy. Soulfully happy. Its deeper than trinkets and longer than flings. Its a feeling more than satisfied. What will bring me lasting happiness? In other words, what do I really want out of life? You know, money, cars, clothes.... what will make me feel truly "successful", satisfied, ect? Any thoughts?  


I think part of the reason this question even arises is because I'm looking for a roadmap. I wish there was a travel guide to life, telling you all the sights to see and the dangers you will encounter, and how to get the most bang for your buck. To quote Ani DiFranco, I'm looking for a little red x next to the words, you are here. I'd like to know where all these adventures and mishaps on life are leading me to, so I can prepare my mind and heart accordingly.