Can I be an American Idol?

Today I had my second ceramics class. I am not an artist, and I am very nervous. I don't want to mess up or fail. However, there is another student in my class whose anxiety is far stronger than mine. She is so scared of failing that she doesn't even start. Funny thing is, I am sure she would be great at ceramics. The first piece she did had symmetry and detail, unlike my uneven edges and imperfect shapes. Still, she is paralyzed of her fear of not being right. 

We live in a society that judges everyone, and everything, all the time. Think about our TV shows, American Idol, X Factor, Dancing With the Stars. Passionate people sit in front of judges, who tell them whether they are good enough to continue with their craft. The silly thing is, these shows rely on concensus. All judges have to agree for the person to move on or get a high score. But in art, in romance and in life, when is  unanimous approval for love or pleasure?

Think about your favorite singer. Would everyone agree that he/she has a great voice or the best voice? No, but the music they make is good to YOU. It moves YOU. And thats all you need, right? If they have 1 fan or 1 million fans, that doesn't change its appeal to you. Think about the person you love. Does it matter internally if other people love them as much as you do? You probably wouldn't want anyone else to love them the way you do right? Your interest in them is enough to make them interesting, not a panel of judges, not universal enjoyment. The crowd doesn't matter to your heart. 

So why does the crowd matter at all? Why do we let the potential for criticism stop us from starting. Why can't being good enough for a small group, or being good enough for ourselves, be good enough to make the first attempt?

Maybe I can't be the American Idol of any of my endeavors. But that wont stop me from celebrating my own work, singing my own song, and trying my best. 

Withdrawing Compassion

Today at church we were talking about compassion.

I had a revelation. Compassion is something that I struggle with. Admitedly, I’ve been spending so much time thinking about myself and my needs that I have thought little about how I can give to others. Like a seesaw, my balance has been skewed to what I need from others, but little about how my giving can sway the balance. 

Even with the imbalance, I’m not guilty for lack of trying. I may think about myself a lot, but I’m not selfish. I give with the best of them--- my money, my time, my heart. However, lately I’ve grown weary in well doing and I ‘ve had to ask the question, when is enough enough?

How patient should you be with family and friends that are set in their ways? How many times should you try new things, if the hunch is that you will get more of the old? How often should you forgive and forget, knowing that the person has no intention to change? How hard should you fight for a family if no one else is trying to get in the ring? How many times can you explain how you feel and try to be a good friend, while being ignored? How often should you assume the best in someone, when they are showing you who they are daily?  What does compassion look like when you get so little back?

Giving until my heart hurts has left me with that, a hurt heart.

Acceptance comes into play. I need to accept the fact that compassion does not equal an even exchange. My family is my family. My friends are my friends. People are who you are. You don’t get back what you give. Hardly, ever. And that’s not why you do it, either. But there comes a point between rational acting and foolishness, and there is also the need for self preservation. To be honest, but when you get back nothing, or so little, it hinders your ability to give at all. Its kind of like fighting. A punch takes so much momentum, it needs impact. Landing blows gives the fighter the force that it takes to keep going, even if it is a losing battle. If you hit and miss, you get nothing back, and all the inertia of force can knock the wind out of the fighter.

I’d rather get something than nothing. I’d rather have a fight than be ignored, I’d rather have a passionate argument than be met with indifference. When it comes to compassion, I’d rather know that the other party is trying to care back and failing, rather than the other options.

But in most of my key relationships, this is not happening. My compassion is not being met the way I’d like it to be.  Sometimes I feel its not being met at all. I’m not feeling more trust, more care, more love, more support or more understanding. I feel like I’m jumping through hoops like a circus, trying for things that may be in vain, with people who fail see my value or their own.

Perhaps compassion is being given to me in other ways, through other sources. Perhaps its paying it forward. Maybe God is blessing me outside of these people. Maybe I’m just wanting what I want, not seeing the blessing that is apparent or the blessing that is needed. I am probably way too self centered in this moment to see that, though.

But I have decided that I’m done fighting for and with other people. I’m done pouring my compassion into things and people that don’t give it back. Its not that they don’t deserve it or that I shouldn’t give it. Its just that I’m done fighting, for the family that is unified, for the friends that understand. I'm tired of trying to see the best in others, try when others are not, or just go the extra mile. I have decided to put down my gloves and unball my fists, and grip tightly to myself.  This time I’ll fight for me.

I’ve never not fought with anyone. I’ve always fought to be loved, to be understood, to be heard, to be accepted. This time I wont. If they don't come through, if they walk away, if they're never there, if they're half hearted... It is what it is. I’ll give nothing. Maybe then I'l be more comfortable with the nothing that I get, knowing its deserved, this time.

But I wont give up on compassion. Not at all. I’ll cultivate it deeply and turn it inward. I’ll give it all to me. I’ll fight for myself so vehemently that any threats to it, to my peace, my time, my trust and my love will be sorry they ever tried. I'll fight with myself, until I create responses that work for me, with my best interests in mind. I'll be my best self, with the people that see the best me.  I’ll pour only into relationships that give it all back. The trust that I wanted to give, the love that I tried to receive…. I’ll give it all to me. That might mean everyone I know will get ignored. That’s ok. Compassion will be self compassion. I’ll give it, and this time, I’ll know that I’ll receive all I deserve.